I'm starting this post randomly in the middle of the week because...well, I felt like it. I felt there was something that I needed to get off my chest. It all begins with a story. So, today I was driving into work, and I was early so I began to reflect on the day and life. Anyone who knows me know that I have self-diagnosed ADD. So my mind was pretty much all over the place as it seems to always be. I couldn't believe my morning, but anyone who knows me also knows that the darnedest things happen to me. I honestly feel like there are more days in my life where the world works against me. Usually it would involve being late to work because the drawbridge decided that at 9:09 a.m., when it's my turn to "breeze" through the tunnel, it would open. Or, as my luck would have it, oversleeping when you need to be at the dealership at 9:00 a.m. which is how morning started. Remember the group of ladies I wrote about in my most recent post? Well what I didn't mention is that we weigh in every Wednesday, hence the name Weigh-in Wednesday, and, as you probably guessed, I forgot to weigh in this morning, but I got on the scale last night, so I know that I had at least lost 1.2 lbs. since last week. I was excited because I knew that it would be less after my morning tinkle. See there....my ADD kicked! I begin to go off on tangents when I tell stories, and forget my initial thought (thank goodness I'm writing this time). So, I began to think of all the fears, apprehensions, and things that I've become conscious about as a plus size women. You know? Those things your attempt to avoid on a daily basis because they make you uncomfortable. The things that make your feel self-conscious. The I wonder if I'm making others uncomfortable by just my presence type of situations. I am a pretty open book. I like dialogue. I love people, and being around them. But, I never realized until that moment our self-conscious I really am about my body and how it influences my relationships with others. Usually the fat kid is the one who makes joke about herself because she wants to avoid anyone else making a better joke about her fatness. She's the one who becomes the funny friend because she's surrounded by skinny girls and SOMETHING has to make her appealing or NOT. Or, she's the quiet one who's hides behind her friends' shadows because she's only there to make them look better (somebody was thinking it). I'm neither of these: I don't make fat jokes about myself because anything I say about MY body is the truth. I don't have to tell anyone I'm fat, and I'm okay with the honest little kid calling me fat because...guess what??? I am. I have a bunch of friends of all shapes and sizes, and we are all beautiful. I love be my natural self. I wear makeup only on SOME special occasions. I may paint my nails here or there, but my hair is usually picked into a fro with a headband, or a side twist with a hair comb sans the headband, if I'm feeling froggy lol. It better be a REAL special occasion if I pull out a girdle. Honey, I'm fat and I sweat! It's just too hot for all that! One of my biggest fears is being kicked off of an airplane. I've never opted to fly because of this, but I am also afraid of heights which I think is common within the fat community. But, on this day, I began to really dig deep, and think about my avoidance strategy. What times am I least likely to want to engage with others? How can I open myself up to being more interactive and comfortable in my skin. Then it happened! I pulled into the parking garage, and I decide to use the elevator because I was running late for work. I'd usually take the stairs down if I'm 3 flights or less. One of my fears in falling down stairs, so this is why I limit the number of flights I take down the stairs. I think it's because I can't see my feet past my feet, so I have to stick them out so that I can which takes some thought, coordination, and more time. I let people pass me down (and up) the stairs because I don't want to hold anyone up. But, this isn't about the stairs, it's about the elevator. While I'm walking over, I see someone walking towards me out of the corner of my eye, and I immediately feel myself hoping he doesn't ride down with me, but he does! I hate when the elevator calibrates to adjust to my weight, so I like to be the first on and the last off. So I came up with a list of things/situations that I remember making me uncomfortable. Some are a bit funny, but they're all true, so here goes nothing. *SN: I'm watching the Redskins v. Steelers game, and I realized that I wish weight loss was like football. For every pound you lose, you get forward progress. But, then I guess it really is because when you screw up, you get penalized.
1. Trying on clothing can be depressing. Especially, when your realize you have to go up a size. (Thank God for yoga pant and all thinks stretchy).
2. Doing anything that is deemed physical activity with someone who is more fit than me (no matter the size).
3. You feel like people are always staring at you whether it's because you're eating something (even health foods) or just because you're fat.
4. That moment when your friend posts a pic of you on social media, and you realized you don't have "angles" unless you take your own picture.
5. Being the fat person on the narrow sidewalk.
6. Being chosen last as a partner or for a team. (This happens in adulthood, too) It actually happened to me recently, but not because I'm fat. Well, at least I hope not.
7. Feeling like you have to wear makeup to be pretty in others eyes.
8. Being the fattest person in the group exercise room.
9. Actually looking at yourself in the mirror while you working out in the group exercise room, and realizing that dance move didn't look as sexy on you as it did the instructor.
10. Even if you were there first, sitting on a crowded couch and feeling like the reason it's crowded because you know that two people could possibly occupy the space you're taking up.
11. Sitting in those tight office chairs (or most chairs in general) at your job.
12. Then, having to ask that the chair arms be extended so that your hips aren't sore.
13. Walking out to your car with an employee with a thinner frame and much longer legs and not wanting him to hear you breathe hard from trying to keep up with him, so...
14. You avoid conversation in the same situation which makes the 2-3 block walk quite awkward.
15. Getting on the scale at the doctor's office no matter what the number.
16a. Sitting across from you gynecologist who, mind you, has seen your fat naked body from top to bottom, at a job interview. Even worse...
16b. Feeling like you may not get the job because the interviewer thinks you're lazy because you're fat.
17. Meeting with a substitute doctor just so you can get a refill on you medication, and being asked, "have you considered bariatric surgery to lose weight?"
18. Losing more weight than your boyfriend, but, because he's the smaller of the two, everyone notices he's trimming down, but not you.
19. Helping your husband study for his field-sobriety test exam, and realizing that putting your feet together is not an option because you have huge thighs and fat knees.
20. Sitting in the back seat of the car, and having to turn onto your hip to close the safety belt.
This list could go on and on for days.
Now it's time for an update:
Weight Loss
So as of Friday, I am down 14.6 lbs total since the second week of July. Our challenge is now over and my team, Team Holistic Wellness, won the challenge lose a total of 253 lbs. between 17 women over a 10-week duration. I am so proud of us, that I just can't stand it! Our coach was wonderful, so it saddens me that she won't be coaching us next challenge, but they've chosen some excellent coaches for the next 10-week challenge. I've been on the fence about participating in the new challenge. Initially, I was ecstatic about it, but I realized I really didn't have the opportunity to get to know many of the group members or participate in any of the outings and events because a lot of them don't correspond with my work schedule. I wish I could have been more engaged. Getting the house together played a huge roll as well, and we still haven't completed that. I have to say that the accountability factor is what kept me there and pushing. Besides that I still have 40.4 lbs. to lose to meet my birthday goal, so on I go.
Conception
So, I'm not physically tracking ovulation with a device or tests strips, so I don't even know if my body produced an egg, though I doubt it because I believe I had a cyst rupture because I was in major pain for a couple of days Wednesday night-Friday. Also, my period was suppose to start today, but it hasn't come yet, but it's expected with PCOS. I'm still waiting to see what happens this month because I just feel like my body is attempting to regulate my hormones, so we'll see! My husband was convinced that I was pregnant, so we tested on Saturday, and got two negatives which I was expecting, so there was no disappointment on my end. I can't say I wasn't a bunch of nerves when we were waiting. I will be keeping you all posted.
Exciting News!
So, as you all may or not know, I braid hair. Just some basic braids: cornrows (with or without extensions), crochet, individuals (box, kinky, etc.). So we went home this weekend to do back-to-school hair for some of my girls. Ci's younger sisters' hair and Stacey's daughters. I would post pics, but I haven't asked permission. Anywho, the night I finished Jada and Jonea's hair, the whole family decided to play Taboo, one of my all-time favorite games. Afterwards, Ci and Brian ask us to be Brayden's Godparents!!!!! Oh my goodness! I was so shocked, I kinda just stared at her. It is an honor to take on this role. He is such a sweet, sweet baby. Every time I see him, whether it's a picture or in person, I just fall in love with him and his little whimpers and that big ol' smile that he's only blessed me with a couple of times, but I understand he has to ration them out. Lol. We are just thrilled!!! He's Godbaby number five! So, I have been writing this over a few weeks' span, so I am adding the other exciting news. My friend, Keisha, and her husband Bryon have introduced their little one to the world! She looks just like her mama!!! I am so excited for the two of them. Oh goodness! Okay, I'm done!
1. Trying on clothing can be depressing. Especially, when your realize you have to go up a size. (Thank God for yoga pant and all thinks stretchy).
2. Doing anything that is deemed physical activity with someone who is more fit than me (no matter the size).
3. You feel like people are always staring at you whether it's because you're eating something (even health foods) or just because you're fat.
4. That moment when your friend posts a pic of you on social media, and you realized you don't have "angles" unless you take your own picture.
5. Being the fat person on the narrow sidewalk.
6. Being chosen last as a partner or for a team. (This happens in adulthood, too) It actually happened to me recently, but not because I'm fat. Well, at least I hope not.
7. Feeling like you have to wear makeup to be pretty in others eyes.
8. Being the fattest person in the group exercise room.
9. Actually looking at yourself in the mirror while you working out in the group exercise room, and realizing that dance move didn't look as sexy on you as it did the instructor.
10. Even if you were there first, sitting on a crowded couch and feeling like the reason it's crowded because you know that two people could possibly occupy the space you're taking up.
11. Sitting in those tight office chairs (or most chairs in general) at your job.
12. Then, having to ask that the chair arms be extended so that your hips aren't sore.
13. Walking out to your car with an employee with a thinner frame and much longer legs and not wanting him to hear you breathe hard from trying to keep up with him, so...
14. You avoid conversation in the same situation which makes the 2-3 block walk quite awkward.
15. Getting on the scale at the doctor's office no matter what the number.
16a. Sitting across from you gynecologist who, mind you, has seen your fat naked body from top to bottom, at a job interview. Even worse...
16b. Feeling like you may not get the job because the interviewer thinks you're lazy because you're fat.
17. Meeting with a substitute doctor just so you can get a refill on you medication, and being asked, "have you considered bariatric surgery to lose weight?"
18. Losing more weight than your boyfriend, but, because he's the smaller of the two, everyone notices he's trimming down, but not you.
19. Helping your husband study for his field-sobriety test exam, and realizing that putting your feet together is not an option because you have huge thighs and fat knees.
20. Sitting in the back seat of the car, and having to turn onto your hip to close the safety belt.
This list could go on and on for days.
Now it's time for an update:
Weight Loss
So as of Friday, I am down 14.6 lbs total since the second week of July. Our challenge is now over and my team, Team Holistic Wellness, won the challenge lose a total of 253 lbs. between 17 women over a 10-week duration. I am so proud of us, that I just can't stand it! Our coach was wonderful, so it saddens me that she won't be coaching us next challenge, but they've chosen some excellent coaches for the next 10-week challenge. I've been on the fence about participating in the new challenge. Initially, I was ecstatic about it, but I realized I really didn't have the opportunity to get to know many of the group members or participate in any of the outings and events because a lot of them don't correspond with my work schedule. I wish I could have been more engaged. Getting the house together played a huge roll as well, and we still haven't completed that. I have to say that the accountability factor is what kept me there and pushing. Besides that I still have 40.4 lbs. to lose to meet my birthday goal, so on I go.
Conception
So, I'm not physically tracking ovulation with a device or tests strips, so I don't even know if my body produced an egg, though I doubt it because I believe I had a cyst rupture because I was in major pain for a couple of days Wednesday night-Friday. Also, my period was suppose to start today, but it hasn't come yet, but it's expected with PCOS. I'm still waiting to see what happens this month because I just feel like my body is attempting to regulate my hormones, so we'll see! My husband was convinced that I was pregnant, so we tested on Saturday, and got two negatives which I was expecting, so there was no disappointment on my end. I can't say I wasn't a bunch of nerves when we were waiting. I will be keeping you all posted.
Exciting News!
So, as you all may or not know, I braid hair. Just some basic braids: cornrows (with or without extensions), crochet, individuals (box, kinky, etc.). So we went home this weekend to do back-to-school hair for some of my girls. Ci's younger sisters' hair and Stacey's daughters. I would post pics, but I haven't asked permission. Anywho, the night I finished Jada and Jonea's hair, the whole family decided to play Taboo, one of my all-time favorite games. Afterwards, Ci and Brian ask us to be Brayden's Godparents!!!!! Oh my goodness! I was so shocked, I kinda just stared at her. It is an honor to take on this role. He is such a sweet, sweet baby. Every time I see him, whether it's a picture or in person, I just fall in love with him and his little whimpers and that big ol' smile that he's only blessed me with a couple of times, but I understand he has to ration them out. Lol. We are just thrilled!!! He's Godbaby number five! So, I have been writing this over a few weeks' span, so I am adding the other exciting news. My friend, Keisha, and her husband Bryon have introduced their little one to the world! She looks just like her mama!!! I am so excited for the two of them. Oh goodness! Okay, I'm done!
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